Section 4.7 Sex and Mensturation
Your Acme Wife ™ may show wide variations of interest in sex over the course of the month. This is normal. Please read the following instructions thoroughly in order to get the most satisfaction out of the Wife.
During premenstruation (a time period lasting anywhere from 3 to 7 days before the onset of menstruation) the Wife is likely to experience a severe drop in sexual drive. Your options at this time are to simply abstain from sex, to seek sex elsewhere, or to gently encourage your Wife to engage in sex with a few of the following techniques.
- Point out how skinny the Wife is looking, but do so in a subtle manner so as not to raise suspicion. Let at least 20 minutes pass before initiating sex.
- Purchase DoveBar™ brand dark chocolates and leave out in a conspicuous location, but do not call undue attention to the chocolates or the Wife’s consumption thereof.
- While you may be anxious to actually insert your penis into the Wife or gain similar genital simulation, allow up to 30 minutes for platonic massage to relax the Wife. This should take the form of general sports massage therapy, with special attention to the lower back and shoulder areas, and at no time should you “cop a feel” or try to transition into sensual-style massage without invitation from the Wife to do so.
- If willingness to engage in intercourse is indicated (be alert as the signs may be subtle), take care to practice straightforward, non-kinky sex that requires fairly little responsiveness from the Wife. Suggested positions include rear-entry and side-spooning so that the Wife can cry gently into her pillow if needed. Be warned that all efforts to engage in oral sex upon the Wife will likely be met with resistance and/or revulsion.
- As a final point of advice: try to keep the sex act to a maximum of 8 minutes to avoid marital strife.
Remember, tomorrow is another day, and you may be surprised at the Wife’s renewed interest and returned sexual appetite approximately 3 days after the onset of menstruation.
